Dear Kayla, My Biggest Fan by Will E Sanders on Creators.com

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Dear Kayla, My Biggest Fan

Dear Kayla,

Thank you for writing to inform me that I was the topic of your recent academic project on newspaper columnists for your English class. Clearly you deserve an A in this literary endeavor because naturally I can tell that you are the smartest student in your class.

How do I know? You chose me, that's how.

It sort of makes me feel sorry for the pupil who chose to write his or her essay on newspaper columnist L. Ernest Whitherbottom. Can you imagine how terrible that would have been? I bet you don't even know who that is — and for that matter neither do I, mostly because I just made it up — and it's still funny.

If your teacher doesn't give you an A then send me his name and address. I have no qualms about breaking legs. Sometimes in life you have to break a few legs to make an omelet. Remember that kid, and you'll go far in life.

I wanted to personally write you back because it appears that you took a lot of time on your well-crafted and thought-provoking letter to me. Granted, it wasn't as well-crafted and thought-provoking as my writing, but that goes without saying.

Your correspondence meant a great deal to me and like any self-obsessed narcissist I hung your letter on my refrigerator to remind my family and friends how vastly superior I am to them.

So far Kayla, it's working magnificently. Thanks again!

Normally when all of the fan mail rolls in each day there is never enough time to respond to each one. However, considering the circumstances I figured writing you back was the least I could do.

Actually, the least I could do is nothing, but I thought I would do you one better.

In case you are wondering that was the subtle way of telling you how lucky you are that I decided to answer your prayers and write back. Honestly, you should sit back and reflect for a moment as you think about how fortunate you are.

I am a busy guy, you know? So yes, perhaps a bit of groveling is in order.

And while we are on the subject of me, thanks for saying how truly amazing I am. Guilty as charged! Yes, I am pretty amazing, thanks for noticing.

Of course, it's not like I need you to tell me how amazing I am to know how amazing I am. It helps, but I already know I am probably the most amazing person in the world. Even my mom seems to be in total agreement. I don't know you personally, but I am sure you are amazing, too, though not nearly as much as I.

One of my favorite parts in your letter was the line about "how effective my persuasive writing techniques are." My writing techniques are indeed both effective and persuasive. Please pay careful attention to what I am about to tell you next. Are you ready, Kayla?

OK, can you please send me a few hundred dollars?

Like any self-obsessed, egotistical jerk whose favorite topic is himself, I agree with you that I employ "endlessly clever puns," "artistic allusions," and "humorous hyperboles." I am not sure what all of that means, but it sounds impressive.

I understand that as a part of your detailed project you had to write a mock essay pretending to be me. That's fascinating. Hey, let me ask you another question, Kayla.

When you were pretending to be me, how cool was that? Yeah, thanks in advance for saying how exceptional, important and distinguished it made you feel.

In closing, you're right; doing what I do is not as easy as it looks. Being as charming, handsome and muscular as me on the other hand, well that's exactly as easy as it looks. Any questions? I'll assume no.

Not to sound all sentimental, but not too long ago it was me writing my favorite newspaper columnist. So aim high, stay off the drugs and remember that you are capable of becoming an amazing person — just not as amazing as me.

Oh, and one last thing, Kayla: make checks payable to Will E Sanders.

To contact Will E Sanders email him at wille@willesanders.com. To learn more about Will E Sanders, to read past columns or to read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.