My Mom, My Son, Myself: Happy Mother's Day!Hey, Readers!
Those of you who have been so kind — not to mention loyal! — and have been reading my column for years may recall that a few years back I did a Mother's Day column with my own mom. Let me tell you a little about her. After …Read more.Teen Mom MillionsHey, Cherie!
Hello. My name is Bailey and I live in Maine. I'm almost 16 and have a very level head on my shoulders. I come from a good family. No one is an alcoholic or abusive or anything like that. The only thing I've ever heard my parents fight …Read more.Teen Drinks Hand Sanitizer Hey, Readers!
I got two similar letters this week on the same subject, though I'm only printing one here to save space. The letters came from completely different parts of the country; one was from a girl and one was from a guy. Since it was a …Read more.Tween Worries Over BodyHey, Cherie!
I'm 12 years old. I hope that isn't too young to write to you, so here goes.
When I was a little kid, I was just a normal weight, not skinny and not fat. I never really thought about my weight, and I thought I looked OK. Like people …Read more.
What do you do when your parents don't approve of your career goals?
I am 17 years old, and I love clothes. Not just buying them and wearing them myself, but helping my friends choose outfits and accessories, seeing how garments are constructed, checking out different materials, etc. Everything there is about clothes, I'm into! I know how to sew and made my own prom dress last year; everyone said it was fabulous and looked like a real designer gown. I want to work in the fashion industry when I get out of school. My first choice would be to work for a design house, but I think I would be happy working in a boutique or department store, too.
My parents say I'm too smart for such a dumb career. I can't even work retail after school. They both work in our local hospital, and I have to work there, too. They want me to pursue a medical career of some kind and all I can think is b-o-o-ring. And if I want to go to art school after high school to study fashion merchandising or design, I'll have to pay for it myself, no financial help from the 'rents.
What should I do?
—Fashion Challenged
Hey, Fashion!
It's so wonderful that you know exactly what you want to do with your life. The fashion industry can be very exciting and such a creative outlet for you, and it sounds like you have thought this out well. Your parents, however, have been in the "real world" for a while, and they are concerned that you would not be using your gifts the way they have envisioned. They want you to be successful! So you have to prove to them that you can be!
If you are truly dedicated to making it in the fashion world, then it sounds like you will have to pursue your career on your own.
This doesn't have to be a downer, you know. You can see the big picture and where you want to end up in a few years, and focus on your own goals! It sounds scary to step out on your own, but if you take that leap of faith and know you are doing the right thing for your life, then you cannot fail. Your parents will be so proud of you for doing this on your own, and the pride you will feel for relying on yourself is limitless, just like you are. Live your dreams; 'cause that is what you are here for. No one else can do it but you. You have all the power in the world!
Hey, Cherie!
How do I tell my mom that I don't like her choices in clothes? I'm 15, and I am so tired of my mother embarrassing me by dressing so young all the time. She wears dresses that are so short and tops that are cut so low! I see men looking at her and I'm like "Eeww, that's gross!" But she just loves the attention. I don't like her coming into my school ever! My friends just think it's cool, but their moms don't dress like mine! I want to just go through her closet and take out everything that is wrong, but there would be hardly anything left!
—Mom in Fashion Emergency
Hey, Mom/Fashion Emergency!
Wow, sounds like your mom could use a fashion intervention! Maybe you could create one yourself! I bet you can find plenty of "fashion don'ts" around that you can show her, and ask how she feels about those looks. If you are really embarrassed by her attire, tell her about it, and ask if she would consider your feelings. I'll bet she isn't even aware of how this makes you feel, and if she knows she is making you uncomfortable, then she will change.
Cherie Bennett is a best-selling author of books for teens and young adults. Visit her website at www.cheriebennett.com. To find out more about Cherie Bennett and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
LW1--"What do you do when your parents don't approve of your career goals?" You inform your parents that they don't get a say in your career plans. I believe it's a form of child cruelty to pile pressure on an offspring to pursue a particular life goal or career of the parents' choosing. It's as if these parents regret their own choices and insist on living vicariously through their children. What typically happens is the child is stressed and exasperated as he or she pursues a field of study which s/he has no interest and perhaps little talent. These people grow up into miserable adults that hate their jobs and then do practically the same thing to their own children. Nip this in the bud now! Inform your parents that as a young adult, you've considered your options and have decided to follow your talents and your instincts into the fashion industry. If you show your parents a little research, you can convince them that not only is fashion not a "dumb" career but it can be highly lucrative for creative and ambitious individuals like yourself. If your parents aren't convinced and decide to withhold financial support as punishment, then simply take out student loans and pursue scholarships. Once your parents see you as a successful fashionista they'll, perhaps, regret the undue pressure they placed on you to follow THEIR dreams as opposed to you following your heart to become your own person.
LW2--It's a parent's time honored right to embarrass their children. Accept that you cannot control your mother's actions or her choice of clothing. How she dresses is a reflection on her, not you. The best way to deal with her antics is to ignore them. If your friends make jokes, don't be embarrassed; simply smile and twitter right along with them. It doesn't matter what your mother is wearing as long as she loves you and supports you in every way she possibly can. Learn to appreciate her better qualities and ignore what really amounts to a minor issue.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chris
Sun Jan 29, 2012 10:13 AM
LW1: You know what to do so why did you write in? You'll have to pay for school yourself. You can do it. You don't owe your parents your future and its pretty disgusting of them to force their crap on you. Ignore them and follow your dreams.
LW2: You can spend your life in complete misery trying to figure out how to get other people to change enough to make you happy OR you can pull your head out of your butt and realize the path to happiness means you have to learn how to deal with annoying things in a positive manner. Its not your experiences that mold who you are - it's how you react to those experiences that does. Leave your mom alone and work on yourself.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Diana
Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:57 PM
LW1: LOTS of people have made their own way with no financial or emotional support from parents; you can, too. Your parents are wrong about this being a dumb & limited career; at the moment, fashion stylists are hot, hot, hot. True, they're usually working freelance rather than for a single employer, but freelance does tend to pay more per hour, so it balances out if you work hard at lining up jobs.
Don't limit yourself to retail/boutique if fashion design isn't in the cards. Look to magazines/tv -- they need people to style their models, their TV show guests, their living rooms, their fashion shoots. Study photography as well as art and fashion, so you have a basic understanding of it. Make sure your school is one that has connections for internships and placement for graduates -- Mount Mary College in Milwaukee is one that's very well known for its fashion program. Study some interior design as well. Good luck!
LW2: Hon, you're at the age when your mom would embarrass you no matter HOW she dresses -- goes with the territory. Do you judge your friends by the way THEIR parents dress?
You can try to point your mom gently to better choices -- tactfully, the way you'd like to be corrected if your friend were embarrassed by YOUR short skirts and low tops.. More like "Mom, this color is SO gorgeous on you" (never mentioning that it doesn't show cleavage) rather than, "Really, Mom, at your age, you've got no business wearing that kind of top! What are you even THINKING?" You might be able to enlist the help of a trusted aunt.
But if not, really, it's not about you -- none of it. It's her issue, and it doesn't affect you.
LW2: For a second, try to put yourself in the shoes of Lourdes Ciccone - her mother is famous pop star who has always made sex one of the selling points of her career. Her mother is in her 50's but "dresses young " all the time, and she does not care, perhaps because millions of young women admire her and she is making a handsome living out of it. On the other hand, this woman is aware that she is not young anymore, but she also seems to enjoy continually pushing the barriers of what should a 50 year old woman dress like and act like, and breaking standards, expectations and conventions.
Yes, it must be tough to be Madonna's teenage daughter!
However, try to be more sympathetic: our male-dominated society still places an enormous value on women's value as sex objects, on beauty and on attractiveness, and many women are justifiably afraid that once they grow old, nobody will value them anymore. Think of it this way as well: your mom is likely middle-age and perhaps she always viewed herself as young, sexy and wearing revealing clothes (have you seen photos of her when young?) - and she is shocked that her body and her face is changing and ageing, she may be trying to hold on to youth and to the person she was, because she does not want to become a boring frump. She is likely scared of growing old, and of not being attractive anymore. She likely prefers the attention to being ignored. She may even feel slightly envious of you and your youth, and may be "competing" with you on a conscious or unconscious level.
So, rather than embarrass her and telling her to "act her age", be understanding. Read some books on the subject, and talk to her. tell her she is beautiful, but also sincerely praise her for her other qualities and for her accomplishments and efforts. See her as a woman, as a person, not just as your mom. Perhaps if she sees that some people value her beyond her looks, she may be more accepting of her age and will stop trying to cling so desperately to youth.
