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Scissors Beat Paper ... Thin Resolve
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for eight years, and we have two beautiful children. Recently, an ex-boyfriend called to let me know that his father had died. I hadn't heard from him in 12 years.
"Matt" and I began speaking regularly and even spent some time together. My husband knew all of this and was OK with it. One night, however, things went further than they should have, and we kissed several times. I don't know whether I should confess this to my husband or not. Other than getting it off my chest, what good would it do? My husband would no longer trust me, and I'd lose my friendship with Matt, and frankly, I don't want that to happen.
The kissing isn't going to happen again. Do I follow the "honesty is always the best policy" philosophy, or the "what you don't know can't hurt you" philosophy? — A Confused Wife
Dear Confused: You have betrayed your husband and should stop all contact with Matt immediately. No matter what you say about not kissing him again, your excuses to maintain the friendship indicate that your resolve is paper thin. You are playing with fire, risking your marriage and family for the thrill of feeling young and desired again. It's time to grow up and end this nonsense. Use all that sexual tension and energy to revitalize your marriage. Sounds as if it could use a boost.
Dear Annie: I'd like to make a suggestion to people who give gifts to high school and college graduates. While a savings bond is a generous and patriotic gesture, it is of little value to a college freshman who needs to buy $500 worth of textbooks and supplies, or to a graduating senior with thousands of dollars in student loans.
Very little compares to the look of despair when a graduate opens a card to find a $100 savings bond that can't be cashed in for full value for several years. I realize budgets are tight, but a $50 check might mean the difference between a college freshman buying dinner or going hungry. — Cash Strapped for College
Dear Cash Strapped: We understand your preferences, but you'd find an equal number of older graduates telling you how grateful they were to discover a fully matured bond when they were out of school, struggling to pay for baby food and car repairs. We know many graduates would like something they can use in the here and now. But those who give gifts do so out of generosity and thoughtfulness, not because they are obligated to feed you. If you receive government bonds, consider them an investment in your future, and put them in a safe place. In 10 years, they'll be worth more, and you'll be thrilled to rediscover them.
Dear Annie: I must respond to "Need Another Opinion," who doesn't want to be burdened with caring for his wife's disabled stepsiblings.
As the parent of biological children and an adopted daughter, I would like to point out that there should be no distinction between the two. I love all my children the same. We are a family, blood or no blood.
Those with Down syndrome and other developmental and emotional issues deserve to be cared for and respected in our communities. It is not always easy, but there are many resources available to help.
If I were this man's wife, I would be wary of spending my life with him. Did he really think he married someone who would turn her back on her family because it was challenging and difficult? Tragedy can happen at any time. How would he feel if one of their future children had a catastrophic injury or illness?
I suggest "Another Opinion" take a good look in the mirror to see what kind of man he is willing to be. Hopefully, they can find a way to build a life together and still care for their family members. — Mom of Three
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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38 Comments | Post Comment
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re: LW3 (I'll play Miss Pasko and mention that the original letter was on April 4)
Yes of course.... but ... one sibling isn't "just" developmentally disabled, she's a grown woman that can't walk or speak, so she's basically a "grown infant". That's an awful lot to ask her husband to take on, when previously she'd said her siblings would move into a group home. Of course, she does think of them as her own siblings - but the question is, should her husband have to? (I'm not saying yes or no, I'm just saying that's what the question is).
Comment: #1
Posted by: Steve C
Tue May 15, 2012 10:32 PM
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LW1 - Rather than focus on being "honest" with your husband about an indiscretion, focus on being "honest" with yourself about why it happened. The urge to "tell all" for emotional catharsis is putting your husband in the position of a therapist, a position you have no right to force him into. This is one time when I agree with the Annie's usual advice to "get counseling."
LW2 - Your letter makes some good points. And may I add --- to those who are considering college ----- please, please, please look for a way to do it without student loans, or to postpone it until you can pay for it out of pocket. Student loans are a nightmarish trap. Look at the consequences before you agree to accept them. The notion that "everyone" must go to college, at the cost of ending up with debts they can never repay, is utter and complete nonsense.
LW3 - The LW in question was not referring to children, but to his wife's step-siblings. Whether they are disabled or not, he is no way, shape or form responsible for them, and should not be expected to take on what to him would be a burden. One's obligation is to one's own children (biological or adopted), not to other relatives of one's spouse. You seem confused and emotional on this issue. I understand his being wary of his wife, whose attitudes seem similar to yours.
Comment: #2
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue May 15, 2012 10:41 PM
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LW1 - Rather than focus on being "honest" with your husband about an indiscretion, focus on being "honest" with yourself about why it happened. The urge to "tell all" for emotional catharsis is putting your husband in the position of a therapist, a position you have no right to force him into. This is one time when I agree with the Annie's usual advice to "get counseling."
LW2 - Your letter makes some good points. And may I add --- to those who are considering college ----- please, please, please look for a way to do it without student loans, or to postpone it until you can pay for it out of pocket. Student loans are a nightmarish trap. Look at the consequences before you agree to accept them. The notion that "everyone" must go to college, at the cost of ending up with debts they can never repay, is utter and complete nonsense.
LW3 - The LW in question was not referring to children, but to his wife's step-siblings. Whether they are disabled or not, he is no way, shape or form responsible for them, and should not be expected to take on what to him would be a burden. One's obligation is to one's own children (biological or adopted), not to other relatives of one's spouse. You seem confused and emotional on this issue. I understand his being wary of his wife, whose attitudes seem similar to yours.
Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue May 15, 2012 10:42 PM
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Thank you, Steve C.
U(*.*)U
Comment: #4
Posted by: Beguiling Miss Pasko
Tue May 15, 2012 11:05 PM
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LW2 - Please consider that nobody owes you a graduation gift - not of cash, not of savings bonds, not of an IKEA gift card, not of a dorm-room bean bag chair. Because gifts are freely given - or not - you cannot dictate to people what to give you. The "I am broke and about to embark on a life path I cannot afford on my own, so gimme cash" approach is always in poor taste. Always: for weddings, housewarming parties, anniversaries, and graduations.
LW3 - If everybody had the same attitude as this LW, I am afraid siblings of severely disabled people would be doomed for the life of loneliness. Asking a non-family member to sacrifice his/her life and ambitions because his/her prospective partner has a severely disabled sibling is way too much to ask.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ariana
Wed May 16, 2012 12:22 AM
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Re: LW1, the fact that you still want to maintain a friendship with Matt is a HUGE warning signal that you aren't done with your slow slide into cheating on your husband. This is one of those situations where I think you DO need to take the consequences because more is going on than you are willing to admit. There's either some dissatisfaction in your marriage or something going on with you that makes you want to keep playing with fire. Talk to your husband and go into counseling separately and together and get to the root of what you are in denial about.
Re: LW2, I think Annies are missing your point -- of course, any gift is wonderful and not "owed" to a person, but a gift giver should take into account the needs/wants of the recipient, too. We are just crawling out of an extraordinary economic crisis that will still have ramifications for years, and immediate needs are indeed more important for many students than some vague future that they may have trouble getting to unless they get financial help *now*.
So a simple request that gift-givers consider that a financial gift that can be used now might be more useful is not a bad thing.
And, Annies, the 30 year old who had to drop out of college earlier in life because they couldn't get the last part of their tuition may NOT be all that grateful to find a $500 government bond later in life. Just sayin'.
LW3: Yes, I agree with other commenters -- we're talking about the adult sibling of a spouse, not a child. Different situation, and one which the husband had every right to be uncomfortable about.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mike H
Wed May 16, 2012 3:29 AM
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LW1 - In my opinion, Matt used his father's death as an excuse to call you and get back together with you. Who calls someone after not speaking to them for 12 years to tell them their father died? It just doesn't sound right to me.
You said the kissing won't happen again. How do you know that? There's obviously feelings there or you wouldn't have kissed him. I bet you Matt is hoping an affair will begin.
In my opinion, yes, you should tell you husband and you shouldn't have any contact with Matt again.
LW2 - I agree with the LW. When I graduated from both high school and college, family members gave me money as a gift and I was so grateful! Don't misunderstand me...I would've been grateful for any gift. But cash you can use at the moment is wonderful! As a matter of fact, I'm going to a graduation party this weekend and I'm giving the grad a visa gift card.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Michelle
Wed May 16, 2012 3:37 AM
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LW1 - Nothing will be served by being "honest" with your husband other than to hurt him and make him lose trust in you. What you really need to do is to sever all ties with Matt to make sure this doesn't happen again and to evaluate your own motives as to why this happened in the first place. Also, since this happened with Matt, until you face whatever caused it to happen, you should not be "spending time" alone with ANY men other than your husband.
LW2 - While I am in total agreement with the fact that no one "owes" a graduate (or anyone else) a gift, and the graduate should be grateful for all gifts, no matter what they are because of the spirit in which they were given, the LW makes a good point that in these hard economic times, every penny counts. So when contemplating a gift to a new graduate, it might be helpful to consider what he or she might need NOW rather than a bond that may or may not be as helpful when it matures.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Kitty
Wed May 16, 2012 3:51 AM
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I think the Annie's hit the nail on the head with their answer to LW 1.
To LW2: It's a gift, you don't get to dictate what that gift should be. Try being grateful and gracious.
Regarding LW3: Apples and oranges. That young man did not get married so he could sacrifice his life taking care of disabled adult siblings of his wife. She doesn't get to make that decision for the both of them and she sprung it on him AFTER they were married. He needs to extricate himself from that marriage, and fast, before he gets mired in the quicksand. He deserves no less than finding a life partner where he can raise his own family.
Comment: #9
Posted by: j
Wed May 16, 2012 4:27 AM
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I think the Annie's hit the nail on the head with their answer to LW 1.
To LW2: It's a gift, you don't get to dictate what that gift should be. Try being grateful and gracious.
Regarding LW3: Apples and oranges. That young man did not get married so he could sacrifice his life taking care of disabled adult siblings of his wife. She doesn't get to make that decision for the both of them and she sprung it on him AFTER they were married. He needs to extricate himself from that marriage, and fast, before he gets mired in the quicksand. He deserves no less than finding a life partner where he can raise his own family.
Comment: #10
Posted by: j
Wed May 16, 2012 4:28 AM
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LW2 - You really are taking selfishness to a new level. You see under no circumstances is anyone obligated to give a student or graduate or any person a gift ever. If someone gives you a gift in civilized society you say thank you. If you absolutely need to use the bond now cash it in, nothing is stopping you. You won't get full cash value until it matures but you can use the money you can get from it now. But remember that your selfish attitude is your problem and not the givers. I feel sorry for the family stuck with your ungrateful attitude though. Also please don't start telling gift giver's exactly what you want/need like has been suggested to you here. I know there are a lot of folks out there who have written into this advice column and others about the rudeness of such requests for specific gifts and the fact they are going to stop giving to the rude individuals. Just remember your manners; it is always best to say thank you when given something than to complain. You don't like it; tough life isn't fair and you better get used to it now.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Paula
Wed May 16, 2012 4:32 AM
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For Annies and BTL commenters on LW2 - I don't even necessarily think the LW is a graduate and recipient of the savings bonds. I read the letter as sort of a PSA to all we readers of the column. No where did the LW suggest that they wanted to directly tell their family and friends to give them cash instead. I think the folks that are dumping on the LW are missing the point of the letter.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Curl
Wed May 16, 2012 5:18 AM
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LW 2: I agree with Curl (comment #12) that the LW is not necessarily the recipient of a savings bond, but just wants to give advice to gift givers.
I've always been a big advocate of giving a gift that is tailored to the recipient. If you are aware that the student is struggling to make tuition, cash that can be used for text books, etc. would be a great idea. My daughter is graduating H.S. this year, and I'm fielding calls for gift suggestions. One of my ideas was to give the name of a pizza parlor down the block from her college, so that she can either have a bunch of slices, or get delivery, or even have a pizza party with her new dorm friends. One of my favorite gifts I received when I graduated from college was a pair of gold and onyx earrings that I called my "interview earrings," which were perfect with a dark suit for interviews, and made me feel grown up and professional-looking (and I still remember both receiving the gift and who gave it to me some 30 years later). Other ideas are, gift certificates to the college book store, gift certificates to Bed Bath and Beyond (for dorm room supplies), gift certificates to an electronics store to contribute towards the cost of a lap top or notebook for electronic note-taking, or an item that you know that grad would like, because you KNOW that grad!
Comment: #13
Posted by: The.Other.Michelle
Wed May 16, 2012 5:42 AM
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Re: The.Other.Michelle
Exactly the point I was trying to make, but you did it much better!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Kitty
Wed May 16, 2012 5:55 AM
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LW1 - I too think the Annies answered this well and good insight BTL. Can't speak for your husband, but most men would not take such a confession very well and it could doom your marriage. This is a good time to use what happened to explore what is going on in your marriage and with yourself. MikeH, Sarah Morrow, Kitty, and Michelle couldn't have said it better.
Comment: #15
Posted by: voice of reason
Wed May 16, 2012 5:58 AM
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This is regarding the savings bond issue. They don't mature in 10 years anymore. I bought a bunch for my granddaughter and after 10 years or more, the bonds weren't even close to maturing. I won't buy a bond ever again.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Viola Hobbs
Wed May 16, 2012 6:16 AM
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This is regarding the savings bond issue. They don't mature in 10 years anymore. I bought a bunch for my granddaughter and after 10 years or more, the bonds weren't even close to maturing. I won't buy a bond ever again.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Viola Hobbs
Wed May 16, 2012 6:16 AM
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LW1 -- Let me jump on the bandwagon and agree that Annies actually gave you some good advice. Cut off contact with Matt. I am on the fence about telling your husband or not, but since you've been open about seeing Matt, he may well wonder why you have decided to stop seeing him. At that point, you can either elect to tell him the whole truth or at least give him just the truth up to a point: "I could tell Matt wanted more, and I felt like my friendship with him would jeopardize our marriage."
@Curl and The.Other.Michelle -- exactly! I didn't read this as a greedy grad complaining because he got a bunch of savings bonds he can't use right now -- I read this as a person (probably a grad) recognizing that some times people are stumped for gift ideas. I completely agree that a graduate/bride/birthday honoree/etc. shouldn't dictate that 1) A Gift Shall Be Given and 2) That Gift Shall Be X. And I also completely agree that the recipient of a gift should just be grateful someone was thinking of them. But so often we look at gift giving from just one side of the equation, when there are, in fact, TWO sides to it. The gift recipient should be grateful and gracious when receiving a gift, yes, but the gift giver should also be thoughtful when selecting a gift, aiming for something that will be truly useful, appropriate and/or desired. And I HATE it when we beat people up for "expecting" a gift. Look, when I got married, I wasn't demanding gifts -- but only a complete idiot doesn't think some folks are going to give you a gift when you get married. That doesn't make you grasping and greedy -- it means that you are well aware of the gift-giving tradition surrounding such occasions (and you'd have to live under a rock not to be aware of it). If I know I have some big, life-changing event coming up (graduation, marriage, birth of a child, etc.), I can be reasonably certain that some people in my life (not all) are going to want to give me something. I can also be reasonably certain that some of those people (not all) will be wondering what to get and would actually appreciate some suggestions, whether those suggestions come from a gift registry (yes, I know some people hate them -- but plenty of people are only too happy to rely on them), or from a close friend or relative. Let's agree that SOME people LIKE and actually WANT a gift registry and/or gift suggestions from someone "in the know" -- and let's agree that SOME people prefer to come up with their own gifts. And then let's further agree that NEITHER side is "right" or "wrong" or "better." It's just different strokes for different folks, people.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lisa
Wed May 16, 2012 6:36 AM
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LW3 -- Yes, there should be no difference between adopted siblings (they were adopted, not step-siblings) and biological siblings. Yes, special needs people should be loved, respected and cared for like anyone else. But you missed a big, whopping problem here: that wife told her husband before they got married that her siblings would be put in a group home when her parents could no longer care for them. Now that the time has come for them to go into a group home, the wife is saying, "never mind, I lied about that, they're going to come live with us, and we will care for them." Before you trash the husband's character, let's have a look at the wife's bait-and-switch, too.
To give the wife credit -- it's very possible that the wife really always did intend that her sibs would be put in a group home, and it's only now that reality is quickly settling in that she is feeling like she has to take them in, instead. People do change their minds (you know, just like they do about having children, for example), and while that is perfectly understandable, when you change your mind about something that has such a gigantic, life-changing impact on your partner, you need to accept that such choices have consequences -- including, sometimes, the destruction of your marriage.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lisa
Wed May 16, 2012 6:51 AM
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LW1 -
"Do I follow the "honesty is always the best policy" philosophy, or the "what you don't know can't hurt you" philosophy? "
You start by following the "don't put yourself in the line of danger" philosophy and you terminate all contact with Matt IMMEDIATELY.
You don't specify who initiated the kissing, but Matt is the one who sought you out to reconnect in the first place. Evidently, his intentions were less than pure, especially since he knows you are married with children. You are deluding yourself if you think this can never happen again.
There is a book from French literature titled "The Princess of Cleves", where the heroine runs to her husband to confess to him that she is strongly attracted to another man, and will he please make sure she is safely removed from temptation. There has been a lot of controversy over the years, as to whether or not she was right to do that, as it destroyed his trust in her and only succeeded in making both of them very unhappy.
Of course, this is fiction... but it is also Art imitating life. Confess to your husband, and you watch how fast life will start imitating Art!
As for the answer to your question, "Do I follow the "honesty is always the best policy" philosophy, or the "what you don't know can't hurt you" philosophy? "... Both. Spare your husband a confession that will accomplish nothing positive at this point, but follow this policy of honesty with YOURSELF regarding this not-so-old flame, and STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE.
Otherwise, I can guarantee you that this will develop into an affair and you'll end up divorced.
LW3 -
The difference between your case and the LW you are referring to is that it's YOUR children, not some already adult and immensely difficult to care for, heavily disabled step-inlaw being foisted on you and, most importantly: this situation is not as it had been originally presented, it means "Need Another Opinion" can never have a family of his own, and HE IS NOT BEING CONSULTED.
BTW, the Annies have been on a roll for the past few days!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed May 16, 2012 6:57 AM
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I agree with Curl--if this LW was as rude as everyone seems to think, he/she would have told the gift-givers directly that their gifts were unsatisfactory. It is quite possible that the LW WAS gracious and grateful for their savings bonds but thought it might be helpful to give future gift-givers advice on what new graduates might appreciate the most. I don't think that's a problem; in fact, when I give a gift I want my money to be well-spent by giving what's most needed or wanted. Just because I am not required to give a graduation gift doesn't mean I don't want to know what the recipient wants! And come on y'all, giving advice (e.g., what gifts to give) is not in itself rude or criminal, else we'd all be sitting in a cell beside the Annie's.
Actually, on second thought, the Annie's probably wouldn't be there because they rarely give useful advice.... ;-). You guys BTL are much more helpful. Except when you're freaking our about ungrateful gift recipients.
:-)
Comment: #21
Posted by: Andaia
Wed May 16, 2012 7:08 AM
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I understand Curl's point, but notice that the LW signed himself "Cash Strapped For College." I don't know about you, but that says to me that this is a person who really wished they had gotten cash right now instead of savings bonds for later. And whoever said it wasn't the gift-giver's job to feed the graduate is right. If they can't afford a meal, maybe the student should take a year off to work and save money first. My oldest daughter did that and it made all the difference.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed May 16, 2012 7:08 AM
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But, Maggie L, should we deliberately NOT give a gift that would be useful to the recipient, just to prove that we are required to feed and clothe them? "Here, I"m giving you a sculpture of a rabbi-clown reading from the Torah [one of my actual Bat Mitzvah gifts many years ago] just to test and see whether you act properu grateful even though it's the ugliest, most useless item you have ever encountered in your short life.". (And yes, I wrote a lovely thank you note for it. Doesn't mean I didn't stash it in my parents' basement for the next 20 years.)
Also, I wish autocorrect would stop putting in an apostrophe every time I type "Annie's"!!!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Andaia
Wed May 16, 2012 7:16 AM
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LW1: Do not tell your husband. You'll be hurting him just to get this off your chest, and he doesn't deserve that. Take your little secret to the grave. it's the least you can do under the circumstances. Also, I agree with everyone else here. Break off contact with Matt. Your marriage depends on it.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Annie
Wed May 16, 2012 7:17 AM
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""Here, I"m giving you a sculpture of a rabbi-clown reading from the Torah..." OMG, I SO want to give one to my sister! She is one of the "machers" at her temple, and admits she needs to be reminded not to take herself too seriously sometimes.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Carla
Wed May 16, 2012 7:35 AM
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I second everyone else's advice. Don't tell your husband but if you're serious about not having an affair you need to stay away from Matt. The only way it works otherwise is if HE was the one who rebuffed YOU (yes people this does sometimes happen. Rare, but it happens). See if Matt kissed you and you were "oh that was nice, but bad!" yet continue to see him, in guy language, this means it was actually okay with you but you have a guilt complex. In fact there are cheater forums online where Matt will be advised to not give up hope of bedding you, specifically since you do continue to talk to him. To them that means you're not serious about avoiding an affair. All it will take is one day when your husband is being an insensitive clod of epic proportions (and trust me, those will seem far more frequent now that you have a man trying to bed you listening to your every word) and a glass of wine and your legs will be wrapped around his waist. Tell Matt you're glad you reconnected, but that you must concentrate on the life you chose. And then stick to it, because once you tell him that, if he's consulting with other cheaters, they'll cheer him on because that means he has you right where he wants you, and will assure him that in a week or two you'll be back "missing him" and it will pick up. End it. For good. And yes, tell him it's over because if you don't he'll call all the time wondering what's up. If your husband asks why just say you felt he wanted more and it made you uncomfortable and you want to concentrate on HIM.
As for savings bonds... sure, of course it's not cool to say anything but "thank you" for a gift.. however, that means the giver also needs to take responsibility to present a gift worthy of saying "thank you" about. And the LW is right. Savings bonds are more appropriate for a first birthday gift for a baby. My family did this for me and it would have been nice to have them to start college as they were maturing/matured. Sadly my parents were drunk losers and cashed them all in during my childhood, long before their maturity, for probably half of what they were worth. :-/ I think in the future if I do this I'll start a savings bond collection for a child as a baby, and just add to it through their lives, and present them with it upon graduation.
Comment: #26
Posted by: wkh
Wed May 16, 2012 8:04 AM
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@andaia, excellent point (and what a funny/awful gift!). I really don't think the LW was ungrateful, just trying to offer tips so that IF people wanted to give something truly useful and thoughtful, they might consider this suggestion.
Gift recipients should respond politely to all gifts received. Gift givers would do well, but are not obligated, to give gifts that the recipient would enjoy or find useful.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Mike H
Wed May 16, 2012 8:41 AM
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RE LW#2---------I totally agree with those who say that a gift should be given with consideration to what the RECEIVER of the gift would consider a useful present, not what the GIVER believes is good.
I'm biased on this, because I have a mom who constantly buys things SHE thinks are nice even when she knows full well that it's not what I want. For instance, she recently decided that the gift certificate to an on-line store that I absolutely love was a silly present, because SHE doesn't like gift cards. She asked me for gift ideas, I said I liked the gift certificates she had been giving me, she ignored my answer.
So instead she gave me something I did not want and would not use, because she considered it a nice present. (Sheets for my bed---------wrong size for my bed, and a color that clashes with everything in the room.)
I was lucky, though--------I said thank you, took the gift back to the store, got a refund, and used the money to purchase what I really wanted on-line. She's never in my bedroom and will never know, but next year I'll have the same problem all over.
--------------------------------
Re LW#3------Were I to have a child that turned out to have mental or physical limitations, which I actually did, I would be (and am) committed to her care for the rest of my life.
On the other hand, if I married and my spouse had existing siblings in the same situation but had beforehand assured me that they would be going to a facility to be cared for, and then said "Changed my mind, we are going to take them in" , I would say "Not WE------YOU." And I'd be out of there.
Doesn't mean I don't care about the siblings, just that I would have to have been on board before committing to the marriage, not have it sprung on me with a unliateral decision from spouse.
Comment: #28
Posted by: jennylee
Wed May 16, 2012 8:58 AM
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Oops-------sorry, I really DO know how to spell 'unilateral'.
Comment: #29
Posted by: jennylee
Wed May 16, 2012 9:03 AM
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What has me stumped about LW2 is that s/he appears totally ignorant of the fact that a $100 savings bond can be taken to any bank and exchanged for $50 because that is the starting value of the bond. So, if s/he would rather have the cash, all s/he has to do is cash the bond in. Hopefully driving to a nearby bank isn't too much of an inconvenience.
Comment: #30
Posted by: kai archie
Wed May 16, 2012 9:20 AM
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If a $100 gift in college is the differance between you staying in college and dropping out, or eating and going hungrey, You're not in a good position to be going to college in the first place. Some people are taking this way too seriously. If a college student I know is relying on gifts to eat from day to day, I'm not going to give them money, I'm going to buy them groceries.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Chris McCoy
Wed May 16, 2012 9:32 AM
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LW1: How can you keep things from heating up between you and that old flame? Well, for a flame to exist, you have to have fuel. You know those old pictures you have tucked away … the love letters you've saved … the texts you exchange … the seemingly harmless flirtations on Facebook ... the friendly meetings. These are the fuel that—given a spark—might just become a raging inferno. So, the first step to extinguish an old flame is to get rid of the fuel source. Throw out the reminders, get rid of the pictures of romantic embraces and snuff out the old embers and quit seeing him..
Here is the second step to extinguish an old flame and protect your marriage: Light a “Backfire.” Employ a technique used by firefighters and light a planned burn at home so no other flame can gather momentum. Stoke this fire so that it burns so bright and hot that it will smother any others. Break a sweat together; go for a quick bike ride, run, or walk. If your work schedule is flexible enough to allow coming in an hour later once in a while, try going out for breakfast after the kids are off to school or meet for lunch. Take on a project together. Picnic in the park. Participate in a couples' Bible study or small group at your church or synogogue. Take a day off together; your kids are at school, and you can hire a babysitter for the afternoon hours so you can just enjoy each other's company for an entire day.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Merk
Wed May 16, 2012 9:43 AM
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Re: kai archie
I'm not sure you can cash them in immediately. I'm not the final word on this, obviously, but I did work in banking and my bank used to sell and redeem savings bonds, though it has been over 10 years since I did so.
At that time you had a six-month waiting period from date of purchase before you could cash one in. It wasn't anything you could immediately take to a bank and get cash for.
Comment: #33
Posted by: jennylee
Wed May 16, 2012 9:47 AM
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Why is the title "Scissors Beat Paper"? Makes no sense to me.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Paul W
Wed May 16, 2012 10:13 AM
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LW2 - Generally I would give some heck for requesting a specific gift, but I disagree with those of you beating LW2 down today. Isn't the gift supposed to be for the recipient, and not about the giver's "right" to give whatever they want? I try to give someone what they want, and if they would be grateful and able to get better use out of cash than a bond, that's fine. I want to be helpful! This kid isn't trying to get money to buy drugs or go see movies; they want to finish their education without starving to death or going into debt up to their eyeballs. Nor is he/she throwing a bond back in the face of the giver. It's a fair request, IMO, and not selfish. Those of you up in arms about this are more concerned about your own right to give over-sized sweaters and tube socks.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Zoe
Wed May 16, 2012 10:20 AM
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Re: Paul W
It is "Scissors Beat Paper... Thin Resolve" so I guess they mean she needs to cut the relationship with her sexy ex. I think it's a stupid title. You don't have to put a pun or wordplay into everything!!
Comment: #36
Posted by: Zoe
Wed May 16, 2012 10:35 AM
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Re: Andaia
"even though it's the ugliest, most useless item you have ever encountered in your short life."
Take a picture of it, upload it into your computer, advertise it on the Net (Kijiji and Craigslist, e-Nay if you know how) with the picture and put it out at 50 bucks or best reasonable offer. You'd be surprised how many people go for kitsch stuff like that, sometimes to make a joke on someone.
If someone once commissioned the creation of this and actually put it into production, being convinced that it was selleable, you can bet your last dollar that someone will think it's wonderful - the proof of which, your relative bought it! Of tastes and colours...
@Carla #25
There you go, case in point!
LW2 -
I hadn't originaly addressed this one but, after reading the pile-on on the LW, I re-read the letter to see what the hoopla was about...
I don't see anything presumptuous, ungrateful, selfish or rude in there. Yes, he is signing "Cash-Strapped for College", which indicates he's probably received that kind of a gift before, but the tone of his letter is of mere suggestion, not of entitled demand. There is nothing wrong with polite suggestion.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed May 16, 2012 11:09 AM
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Re: Merk
Great Post!
Comment: #38
Posted by: Bailey
Wed May 16, 2012 11:52 AM
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